Hello Every one!
Awhile back I wrote several stories under my Welcome to Waist Watchers series. This is one of my favorites as it combines humor, food and Italy all in one. The whole story will be up and available for pennies on Amazon.com. Meanwhile Enjoy this snippet!
Waist Watchers Goes to Italy!
Hello again Diary! I have to tell you something very exciting!!! Little (my generously proportioned Chihuahua) and I are going to Italy!!! I don’t actually know how these events lined up. All I remember is seeing some ancient Greek artifacts from the Magna Grecia and thinking to myself “Gee, I’d love to see that place”. Before I knew it I had made plane reservations, accommodations, found a house sitter and here we are!
I am combining this diary entry into a helpful Waist Watcher’s tool AND a very helpful guidebook since I plan to avoid all pitfalls that people run into while travelling in another country.
The first thing I had to figure out was how to avoid all of the wads of red tape that seem to have grown up out of nothing and developed a life and appetite of their own. This is the red tape having to do with taking a Chihuahua over international borders.
For those who have attempted to travel in Europe with a canine companion, you will know that there are all kinds or “Rules” and “Regulations”. Little and I think these are so much propaganda claptrap so I did some research and found a few helpful tidbits that I will try and then pass on to you.
The first challenge had to do with smuggling a dog onto an airplane without anyone finding out about it. I got some very good advice from www.internationalincidentdog.com. Go there and click on the link entitled “Invasive Government Patdowns/Don’t Mind me, I’m Neutered.” You will find many great hints there including the use of loud accusations of profiling and labeling the security agents as “Speciesist” if they try to make an issue of Little’s small structure and peculiar tubelike shape. (You are what you eat and Little loves sausage!).
They also have a full line of those amazingly useful dog smuggle purses that can be used to great affect when travelling with a canine (See my previous entry “Waist Watchers in Vegas”). The ones on this website are beautiful designer smuggle purses but very pricey. For the budget conscious dog smuggler, the Petco has a nice line as well. This is good because if one gets “soiled” (Yes, it could happen.) you can afford to purchase a backup.
It is clear to me that Europe is way more dog friendly than the Good ‘Ol U.S. of A. but we are catching on. Witness the availability of dog smuggle purses here now that only existed in the higher priced shops on the Champs Elysee or the Via Veneto. Now even the poorest nations can afford to smuggle their dogs onto airplanes and across international borders.
Now that I have Little’s travel accommodations ironed out I have turned my attention to a slightly greater travel challenge. To wit, we are travelling with my sister Bear. Bear, being a Bear is a bit more difficult to disguise. She is a Were Teddy and although it is very obvious to me that she is a Bear, some people don’t seem to notice or perhaps they are being polite.
One hopes that the security agents at the airport will be polite as well. This is quite likely because I have witnessed their behavior on Youtube when they very politely tried to grope a young man’s underwear and then with the utmost respect and politesse threatened to have him arrested and charged with a hefty fine for complaining about the pat down. I mean Really! He did get a free massage after all and one cannot be too choosey as to where and when you get a massage when it is free.
The last time Little got patted down he pee’d on the security agent. He did it very politely and I handled it with handy phrases gleaned from the guidebook I had the foresight to purchase off of www.imacravenplebian.com. Thank God for these helpful websites!
Anyway, back to Bear. I am hoping that the agents will be:
1) clueless (Likely) and
2) polite (perhaps) when met with The Bear. She does pass for human because she is of the polar variety
(Bear tells me that she is of the bi-polar variety but I tend to shut down when she starts talking about her sex life.)
The only tip off is that undeniable cute and cuddly essence that she has. Abstract strangers have mysteriously found themselves hugging Bear in public places before they even knew what was happening. Bear could make an extremely powerful weapon in wartime. GI’s would drop their weapons and start a hugfest. It would be epic.
Additionally and unfortunately, being a Bear, she is magnetically attracted to nuts and honey and travelling has become infinitely more challenging now that just about every shop in the airport sells those annoying nut and honey snack bars. The last time we were in the airport to pick up a family member, Bear’s nostrils flared the minute we got into the terminal building and it was only with the the stoutest of leashes that I able to keep her from flitting off and even slightly under control. ‘
It is the same reaction that I experience when I smell Cinnabon except that the stoutest of leashes means nothing to me under that set of circumstances. Honestly, someone could lose a limb quite easily f ithey reached in front of me while I was under the cinnamon and sugar ether.
I searched the Petco and could not, for the life of me, find a Bear smuggle purse so I just have to bring the stoutest of leashes with me and hope for the best.
Bear and I conferred over the phone about packing. We have heard that Italian men love big butts so Bear and I have congratulated ourselves for growing ours out. We are both bringing super tight jeans and we plan to sashay down the streets of Southern Italy and start a riot. We are also bringing sweat pants for meals because we have heard but have not experienced what passes for nut and honey bars and Cinnabons over there.
Word on the strata is that everything edible made by Italians is heaven on earth. Bear and I intend to be ready and if new pants have to be bought over there to see us through the end of our trip, well, so be it. Here is yet another handy Waist Watcher’s tip; Buy big pants so that you look like you have lost weight. This is very effective. The bigger the pants, the thinner you look! (That tip is copyrighted so you owe me $.10 each time you use it) (Look for discount coupons on my website, www.gluttonslug.com ) (You can also use the Paypal button and purchase a dozen uses. You get a bonus 2 more uses for free! Hey, I like to make it easy!) (Look for other diet tips and paraphernalia too. We are having a sale on Ecuadorean intestinal microbes and books on ascetic religious practices).
Bear has a couple of MooMoo’s (Big Hawaiian dresses) that we can use if things spiral out of control. It is good to have a back up plan. We have completely packed and tomorrow we begin our trip!
Well, I am going to bed now Diary, even though I know I probably will not sleep a wink! Little is almost sick with excitement too! He has walked past Italian restaurants before and he finds the idea of being in a whole country that smells like that, well, it just doesn’t get any better.
G’Nite!
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